4 Reasons I Stopped Being so Nice

BoundariesHSPLove

Jun 22

Would you like another drink? Can I take your plate? How are your parents doing? How’s the job going?

These are the pleasantries that effortlessly drifted from my mouth as I flitted from person to person at any given gathering.

I had to be the “hostess with the mostess” -or at least the nicest person in the room.

Why wouldn’t you want to be warm and welcoming to everyone?

Everyone needs to feel included, right? Everyone needs to be seen and cared for.

After all, it’s my responsibility as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) to care for everyone in the room, right? How would I feel if I went to a gathering and no one went out of their way to notice me?

Umm, correction…

As an HSP and Enneagram 2 I love being helpful. I love making people feel good. But my motives get skewed if I’m not careful.

In Alice Fryling’s book Mirror for the Soul – A Christian Guide to the Enneagram she talks about the positive – and negative - aspects of each Enneagram type. When we start to drift to our unhealthy self, she lists it’s grace, or modality, needed to return to a healthy place.

For me as an Enneagram 2 that grace is humility.

Ouch!

I must be careful of my motives. I like to be nice, but I must check myself to see if am I doing it to truly help others, or to be in the spotlight and to have others think highly of me.

Also, as an HSP (sensory processing sensitivity) I am more in tune with, and therefore can absorb, others’ feelings and emotions. Another area in which I must tread lightly.

These two combined mean I can get in double trouble if I am not cautious of my feelings and motives behind my actions.

So here are the four reasons I stopped being so nice.

Some people don’t appreciate physical touch

Love languages. One of mine is physical touch. Oh how I love to hug and kiss my husband and kids. I love when my husband reaches for my hand, puts his arm around me, or rubs my back.

And oh if my kids initiate a hug, I float to straight to heaven. I also enjoy hugging friends and family. But do they appreciate my gestures?

It’s easy for me to express my affection; a hug, a pat on the back, a pinch on the cheek (yes, I’m that old). But not all people are as thrilled about it and I must be cognizant not all are open to such affection.

I don’t have to work the room

Again, as an HSP, my tendency is take responsibility for everyone’s feelings in the room. This may sound ridiculous, but I know many HSPs are nodding in agreement.

While we certainly want to be kind and considerate of others, it’s no one individuals’ responsibility to ensure everyone in the room is having a great time – unless you’re cruise director Julie McCoy that is ; ).

To protect my energy

Not everyone needs me and I certainly don’t have all the answers. If I spend all my energy trying to help those who don’t need or want it, I‘m going to exhaust myself and not have energy for those who do.

Plus, trying to “fix” anyone is a lesson in futility every time anyway.

For years I wasted copious amounts of energy trying to force relationships with people who weren’t interested. It was like trying to put a round peg in a square hole all because I thought I was “supposed to” have a relationship with them. And they simply were not interested and that is okay.

I see now my precious energy should be doled out carefully - and with healthy boundaries - on those who appreciate it and reciprocate, those who truly care about me and my well-being.

This is not to say we don’t help those who can’t return the favor, but I can now offer my assistance in a healthy way that benefits us both.

So I don’t feel slighted

When I don’t place unhealthy expectations on myself, I don’t place them on others as well.

When I don’t expect to be noticed, complimented on my hair or outfit, or asked how my work is going at a social gathering and I’m not, I’m not disappointed when I leave.

If I prepare for the possibility of sitting alone while others visit, I can have something to read as to not feel my precious time is wasted just sitting around waiting.

Or I can make the choice to reach out and start a conversation with others.

The point being when I enter a situation with a mature attitude, I let myself and others off the hook of unhealthy expectations.

It’s not that we should be rude and ignore others, we just don’t need - or expect - to be catered to.

I still love others…

As I said earlier, I love people and love to be helpful, but for too much of my life I misunderstood others’ – and my own – personality.

I gave myself away with abandon - and felt beat up and discarded a lot of the time.

Yes we need to treat others with love and kindness to point them to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but if we’re not judicious we can get depleted and burned out.

I still like being nice and loving people. Now I just try to do it with healthy boundaries that nurtures both myself and others.

Have you found healthy ways to express your emotions or is there an area you still need work?